Look Before You Leap

In the last Blog, I talked about being committed in marriage. I stated that you can’t have a successful marriage unless both parties are willing to sign up to the highest level of commitment.  But, before you commit, you might want to check a few things out.

For years, I heard the saying, “A good man is hard to find”.  However, while I was single and dating before meeting Pastor Arland, I learned that is not the case.  I met some really wonderful men…good men, which just did not happen to be the vision God placed in my heart for a husband.  I met men that loved the Lord, I met men that were nice, and I even met men that thought I was not half bad.  I had fun meeting guys and dating.  When I was sure a particular gentleman was not the one for me, I very politely advised him (if he hadn’t already advised me), and moved on.  Dating is an activity of exclusion.  There are a lot of men in the world and I wasn’t going to be compatible with most of them.  If we did not suit each other’s needs or tastes, it doesn’t make either of us a bad person.  With the right perspective, there is no need to be hurt and angry with one another.  There is no need to grieve and be in anguish once it’s been determined that we are not right for each other.  I learned to be gracious, wish the gentleman well and let go.  It is impossible to take hold of future blessings while trying to hold on to the past.  I believe that good men and good women appreciate not being led on and prefer being treated with respect. 

I learned that it is vitally important to get to know the person well that you consider for your life mate.  I realize that may not be the case in other cultures, but in our mainstream American culture, it is.  I would like to offer you just a few suggestions to assist in this area.  Trust me, you will be glad you invested time to do heavy lifting up front to avoid potential stress and heart ache in the future.

·        Only consider someone with the same moral standards and compass that you have.  If you are making life decisions based on one standard while your (potential) mate is using another, there is a high probability you will reach different conclusions.  That is called being ‘unequally yoked’ and it is a recipe for disaster.

·        Consider someone with whom you have things in common.  Do you have activities and hobbies that you can share?  Do you both enjoy time with family?  When the new car smell wears off the marriage, common interests will help keep fun in your relationship.

·        Have a regular performance review.  J  I admit, Pastor Arland does not look forward to these, ever.  We have ours monthly, but you can do it at whatever frequency works for you.  Having regular reviews helps our marriage maintain its freshness.  Nothing is left to fester and become ugly drama later on.  It is a time not to hold back, but speak the truth in love to bring up anything that concerns either of us.  It always yields a better understanding of how we can be more sensitive to the other.

·        Realize that none of us are as objective as we think we are.  It may be a good idea to get outside input from time to time.  Set aside time for marriage enhancement activities.  Go on retreats, marriage conferences, read books together.

o   Two book suggestions:

§  “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary D. Chapman

     This book will aid in understanding how to ensure your spouse always feels loved….that’s kind of important.

§  “Getting Ready For Marriage Workbook” by Jerry D. Hardin and Dianne C. Sloan 

The subtitle of this book is “How to really get to know the person you’re going to marry”.  This book is a great resource for pointing out areas of potential difficulty, in order to open dialog and address issues.  Good even if you are already married.

But the absolute, best thing you can do for you marriage, current or future is as Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”  That’s a promise.  He might keep you from tying the knot with the wrong person.  If so, praise Him.   If you are married or when you get married, be sure to let God be the 3^rd ply in the rope of your marriage so you can rely on His strength to hold you two together.