The EX Files

I have an acquaintance who is a bad ex-wife.  I have witnessed her doing all kinds of things, just for the purpose of making her former husband and new wife miserable.  She claims to be a Christian, but she feels justified doing whatever she thinks up to be a pain to them.  I remember seeing some of the things she did and thinking that this woman gives ex-wives a bad name.  She is the stereotypical ex-wife of horror stories.   

Proverbs 6:16-19 says, “These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven things that are an abomination to Him:

·        A proud look

·        A lying tongue

·        Hands that shed innocent blood

·        A heart that devises wicked plans

·        Feet that are swift in running to evil

·        A false witness who speaks lies

·        And one who sows discord among brethren.” 

With the exception of shedding innocent blood, I had seen this particular acquaintance of mine do all of those things.  You know it’s bad when you’re doing most of the things on God’s itemized list of stuff He hates!

Ex-husbands & ex-wives are the subject of many jokes and unpleasant tales of woe.  It’s a subject that is likely to cause any number of reactions, depending on the individual’s personal experience with an ex.  The funny thing about it is that if you have an ex, then YOU ARE an ex.  Both, Pastor Arland and I were formerly married.  So we are, both, ex’es to somebody.  Since we live in a fallen world, sometimes things happen that are not the vision for our lives.  But that doesn’t give us the right to be less than decent to others.  I am going to use my relationship with my former husband as an example. 

I became a divorced woman in 1999.  I was not happy about how things had turned out, but I decided that I did not want to be like my bad ex-wife acquaintance.  In faith, I gave the issue to the Lord which allowed me to let go of my past and begin to step into my future.  At some point, the former husband and I made contact.  The 1^st thing he did was say that he was sorry for all the pain he caused me.  I wasn’t expecting that, but it made me consider that maybe some of my words or actions had caused him pain, as well.  So, I apologized to him.  After that, we spoke openly about what had happened between us, and completely cleared the air.  I have no animosity towards him, nor he towards me.  I believe our friendship, and, yes I do consider him a friend, is an example of Psalm 32:1-2:  “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.”    We were open with each other, we forgave each other, and we are forgiven by God. We are blessed.

Today my former husband is re-married to a beautiful woman, and I pray for them to have a long life of happiness together.  It was, even, my pleasure to send them a wedding gift.  That would not have been the case had I not made the decision to give the pain and disappointment of my divorce to the Lord.  It is so important to live deliberately as we walk the path of our lives.  The choice to focus on Jesus rather than problems and pain will yield dividends not only today, but in all of your tomorrows.  So, if you happen to be an ex, strive to be a good one!

 

 

 

 

Look Before You Leap

In the last Blog, I talked about being committed in marriage. I stated that you can’t have a successful marriage unless both parties are willing to sign up to the highest level of commitment.  But, before you commit, you might want to check a few things out.

For years, I heard the saying, “A good man is hard to find”.  However, while I was single and dating before meeting Pastor Arland, I learned that is not the case.  I met some really wonderful men…good men, which just did not happen to be the vision God placed in my heart for a husband.  I met men that loved the Lord, I met men that were nice, and I even met men that thought I was not half bad.  I had fun meeting guys and dating.  When I was sure a particular gentleman was not the one for me, I very politely advised him (if he hadn’t already advised me), and moved on.  Dating is an activity of exclusion.  There are a lot of men in the world and I wasn’t going to be compatible with most of them.  If we did not suit each other’s needs or tastes, it doesn’t make either of us a bad person.  With the right perspective, there is no need to be hurt and angry with one another.  There is no need to grieve and be in anguish once it’s been determined that we are not right for each other.  I learned to be gracious, wish the gentleman well and let go.  It is impossible to take hold of future blessings while trying to hold on to the past.  I believe that good men and good women appreciate not being led on and prefer being treated with respect. 

I learned that it is vitally important to get to know the person well that you consider for your life mate.  I realize that may not be the case in other cultures, but in our mainstream American culture, it is.  I would like to offer you just a few suggestions to assist in this area.  Trust me, you will be glad you invested time to do heavy lifting up front to avoid potential stress and heart ache in the future.

·        Only consider someone with the same moral standards and compass that you have.  If you are making life decisions based on one standard while your (potential) mate is using another, there is a high probability you will reach different conclusions.  That is called being ‘unequally yoked’ and it is a recipe for disaster.

·        Consider someone with whom you have things in common.  Do you have activities and hobbies that you can share?  Do you both enjoy time with family?  When the new car smell wears off the marriage, common interests will help keep fun in your relationship.

·        Have a regular performance review.  J  I admit, Pastor Arland does not look forward to these, ever.  We have ours monthly, but you can do it at whatever frequency works for you.  Having regular reviews helps our marriage maintain its freshness.  Nothing is left to fester and become ugly drama later on.  It is a time not to hold back, but speak the truth in love to bring up anything that concerns either of us.  It always yields a better understanding of how we can be more sensitive to the other.

·        Realize that none of us are as objective as we think we are.  It may be a good idea to get outside input from time to time.  Set aside time for marriage enhancement activities.  Go on retreats, marriage conferences, read books together.

o   Two book suggestions:

§  “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary D. Chapman

     This book will aid in understanding how to ensure your spouse always feels loved….that’s kind of important.

§  “Getting Ready For Marriage Workbook” by Jerry D. Hardin and Dianne C. Sloan 

The subtitle of this book is “How to really get to know the person you’re going to marry”.  This book is a great resource for pointing out areas of potential difficulty, in order to open dialog and address issues.  Good even if you are already married.

But the absolute, best thing you can do for you marriage, current or future is as Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”  That’s a promise.  He might keep you from tying the knot with the wrong person.  If so, praise Him.   If you are married or when you get married, be sure to let God be the 3^rd ply in the rope of your marriage so you can rely on His strength to hold you two together. 

 

 

 

Have Yourself Committed

 ^“Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

They will be together from that point on?  Oh my goodness!  That could be a long time.  And with God’s help, it will be!  That is the hope of most couples as they walk down the aisle to say their “I Do’s”.  Of course there are a few exceptions, but we’re not talking about those today. 

Most of you know that I married Pastor Arland just a few years ago AND that both of us are on our second marriage.  So, you may be thinking, “What makes Ms. Barbara think that she is an expert on marriage?”  I’ll tell you.  Two things make me an expert:

·        My commitment to living my life according to godly principles and

·        My commitment to my marriage

The expert in me says that you can’t have a successful marriage unless both parties are willing to sign up to the highest level of commitment.  You have to understand that love is not that infatuated feeling that you have when you first get together. Love is the choice to be there through the sometimes harsh realities of life to encourage and support one another.  Love is when you make the decision to commit to an imperfect being.  Commitment makes the difference.

In the scripture above, it says a man will leave his parents and join his wife.  In another translation, it says that he adheres closely to, sticks to, clings to, and remains faithful to his wife.  I like that because he sounds like a man who has made a commitment to his marriage.   If you didn’t know it, commitment will sometimes cause you to do things that you might not otherwise do.  It will cause you to dig in and hold on when others might give up.  Commitment will cause you to pay attention to things that others may not notice.  Commitment will cause you to bring little things out into the open so they don’t fester into big ugly things.   Commitment will make it compulsory for you to find out about past hurts and disappointments, so that you can avoid being the source of more of the same in the future. 

Because Pastor Arland and I married at a more mature age, and both had difficult first marriages, we knew exactly what we were looking for in mates.  Thank God, we wanted the same thing.  We wanted mates whose identify was found first in Christ, and would commit to do whatever it took to serve God and each other.  After bad practice marriages, we both just wanted some peace.  I call them ‘practice’ marriages because the experiences we had during those times really did help prepare us to appreciate each other in this marriage.  I seriously doubt we would have been ready for each other had we met without enduring the experiences of our past. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that “A three-fold rope is not easily broken”.  In the rope of our marriage, the folds are Pastor Arland and me, with the Lord Jesus Christ.  We are committed to Him and He helps bind us together.  Inviting Christ into our marriage strengthened the rope of commitment beyond anything we could have done on our own.  Get yourself some commitment insurance, invite Him into your marriage today. 

 

 

 

Yes, I Have an Attitude

^“And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.”   Colossians 3:15

Some people say I have an attitude.  I do.  I have an attitude of gratitude.  I am thankful.  I have a blessed life, I walk in favor.  I know that the blessings and favor are not because of who I am, but they are because of whose I am.  I serve a great God, who loves me and makes certain that I know it. 

I want to tell you some of the things I’m grateful for.  Warning, some of you may not be ready for the things I’m about to share and some may not believe them.  That’s ok.  Those of you who aren’t ready, can tune back in next week for another topic.  Those of you who don’t believe are welcome to try God for yourself.  I rely on Him, so He takes care of me.  He is willing to do the exact same thing for you.

·        One night in the 1960’s, I was riding in a car with my Mom and my Dad’s brother, Uncle Ray.  Mom was driving.  We were all in the front seat, and I was in the middle.  I was small and it was before seatbelt requirements.  As we rode, Uncle Ray says, “Where is the train?”  Mom says, “What train?”  At that moment, the car was hit by a moving train that for some reason had been traveling without head lights.  The car lifted up in the air, spun like a top, then came to rest some distance from the tracks.  When police and ambulance arrived to attend to passengers of the car that had been in the head-on collision with the train, they couldn’t believe it was us.  The car sustained damage, but there was not a scratch on any of us.  I AM GRATEFUL!

·        When I was a teenager (right at that age when I started to look like an adult, trying to act like an adult, and made the mistake of thinking I was adult), in two separate incidents, high school acquaintances were kidnapped, then found dead.  One was a dear friend.  Several months later, I was taken.  I was terrorized for a time.  Then the abductor said to me, “You’ve seen my face.  If I let you go, are you going to tell anyone?”  Of course I said, ‘NO!”  He looked at me really strangely then told me he believed me and actually let me go.  I AM GRATEFUL!

·        In 1986, I had surgery to remove a fibroid tumor in my abdomen.  When I went back for a check-up, my doctor said to me, “There’s my miracle girl!”  I inquired what in the world he was talking about.  He shared with me what happened when I was on the operating table.  As the surgeon was working on me, there was a major drop in my blood pressure.  The team realized that I was hemorrhaging.  I was losing blood at such a rate that they didn’t expect I would live if I didn’t have an immediate blood transfusion.  The surgeon sent for blood.  It arrived, but just before they started the transfusion, one of the techs noticed that my blood pressure was rising.  It was rising at a rate faster than I had previously lost blood.  My doctor told me that none of them had ever seen anything like that happen before, so they just stood back and watched as my blood levels and pressure normalized, then stabilized with no help from them.  He told me that it was apparent to him that God had His hand on my life!  If you recall, 1986 was during the time when there was a rash of people contracting the HIV virus from tainted blood.  God only knows what all I was saved from by not having that transfusion.  I AM GRATEFUL!

You might be thinking, these are old stories so what has God done for you lately?  If you are so inclined, ask me.  You know how to find me.  I am more than willing to share my testimony and my attitude of gratitude with you.   

 

I AM GRATEFUL!

 

Why Would You Want To Do That?

“Always  be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”  1 Peter 3:15

I decided years ago to live my life as a follower of Jesus Christ….not a believer only, but one who makes every effort to live those beliefs.  Since I made that decision, my life has changed.  And, I became willing to share my belief with anyone who wants to know the why of my living as I do.

The most simple definition of the word ‘Christian’ is ‘to be Christ-like’…..that was my focus when I made the decision to be a Christian.  I wanted to be Christ-like, not churchy, not tangled in legalism or denominationalism.  But the question remains, why would I want to be like Christ?

Well, have you checked Him out? Really checked Him out?  Not just took someone’s word for who Jesus Christ is, but checked Him out for yourself?  I did.  The result was a changed life…a life that bears no resemblance to the person I was before.  I’ve got to admit, I like the latter me a whole lot better than the former me.  I doubt it would be difficult to find many other people who feel the same way.    I have love in my heart and love in my life.  And it’s not just something I say, it’s something I live.  God increased my capacity to care for others exponentially.  Not only that, it’s something I get back.  I have no shortage of family and friends who love me.   Yes, I have my detractors…for a wide variety of reasons.  But that doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t define me and it cannot destroy my peace.   The lack of their love could never overshadow the wealth of love God has placed in my life. 

But that leads to the question of ‘how’..,,,how does one check out Jesus Christ and end up with a changed life?  I’ll tell you what I did.  I decided to work from a default of “God exists, He loves me and wants to make a difference in my life.”  I figured if that were not the case, I would find out soon enough.  Then, I prayed and asked Him to help me.  And I told Him that if I did find Him, I was going all in.  Now this next part may sound a little out there & you may doubt it…..until it happens to you.  But I felt the love of God surround me in a way that felt like a warm, gentle full body hug.  Then, I became aware of a shift in my understanding of spiritual things.  That is because God is Spirit and He cannot be found by natural human understanding.  It changed my perspective of the value of my life, the value of the lives of others and showed me what I am here for.   

As I have continued in relationship with God through Jesus Christ, I have reaped the benefits.  The more I know of Him, the better my life gets.  The love in my life has increased, the peace in my life has increased, the joy in my life has increased.  I am not saying that I am perfect or that my life is perfect, but things are so much better with the Lord in my life that I wouldn’t consider doing life any other way.  He is the reason for the hope I have.  And because I trust Him, I look forward to many good days. 

If that sounds good to you, I am be happy to introduce you to my Lord and Savior.  There is more than enough of Him to go around.  Please know that God loves you, and He is just waiting to give you hope and make a difference in your life.

 

Who Are You Gona Call?

“The children of Judah prevailed, because they relied on the Lord God of their fathers.”   2 Chronicles 13:18

At one time in Old Testament days, there was war between the two tribes of Judah and Israel.  God loved them both but Jeroboam, the king of the tribe of Israel at the time, was doing things that were not pleasing to God AND leading his people to do the same.  But the tribe of Judah was faithful to the Lord.  They acknowledged Him as the true God and lived their lives according to His direction.  Israel had the advantage in numbers and strategy, but scripture and history tell us that Judah prevailed.  With all odds against them, Judah deliberately choose to rely on God.

How exactly do you do that?  If you are going to rely on God, depend confidently and your put trust in God, you will need to get to know him.  You will need to build a relationship with Him.  As with any relationship, trust can only be built over time.  2 Chronicles 15:2 teaches us that “The Lord is with you while you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.”  As you invest time seeking and getting to know God, you grow from the inside out in peace, joy and trust in Him. But know that God is a gentleman.  If you would rather not be bothered (forsake Him), He will let you go your way.  He will never force you into a relationship with Him.

It’s no wonder that those people who throw up a prayer only when they want something, are generally disappointed.  They wouldn’t do that to anyone else they don’t have a relationship with.  That would be like me deciding that I’m going to call Warren Buffet for a favor, even though I have never spent time with getting to know him.  It would be silly for me to be mad at Warren because he didn’t accommodate my request.  So why would anyone think it is reasonable to try that approach with God, the maker of heaven and earth? 

Believe me when I say that God can be trusted to care for those who seek and maintain a loyal, trusting relationship with Him – those who rely on Him.  He loves us and wants to us to become acquainted with Him, so we will know that we can confidently put our trust in Him when we are in need.  He promised it, He gave His word, and according to scripture, heaven and earth will pass away but God’s word will by no means pass away. 

I have had many things happen in my life that have been difficult or unpleasant – sometimes both at the same time.  But as I made the decision to trust God in the midst of my life’s storms, He made a difference.  In every situation where I trusted Him, He showed up.  He fixed things that looked like they couldn’t be fixed.  He fixed them in ways I didn’t expect.  I have experienced this promise from Chronicles 16:9, “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.” 

I know who I’m always going to call.  Because I trust and rely on Him, He shows up. When He shows up, I prevail.  And if He did it for me, He will surely do it for you! 

 

 

 

Are You A Rebel?

 

“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful.”  1 Corinthians 6:12

The last opinion you voiced, or the last sound bite you shared … was it helpful?  Increasingly, we are part of a society that is extreme in the attitudes of:

·        Me first

·        It’s my right to say what I want

·        My life or the life of anyone I care about hasn’t been negatively impacted by this, so I don’t consider this a valid issue

We look at the surface of issues and make decisions.  We hear the latest media report that fits neatly in our comfort zones, and we feel qualified to take a stance.  And because it is our right to tell everyone what we think, we do just that. When someone disagrees or is hurt (and there is always someone) we label them uninformed, unintelligent, uber-politically correct or someone that just doesn’t matter. 

As people of God, we need to do better than that.  Everything that is lawful, is not always helpful.  In other words, just because we can say some things doesn’t mean that we always should.  Our opinions that don’t positively affect eternity are not worth a tinker’s dam.  (No, I did not curse. If you have concerns, look the phrase up.)  Do you really think that the enemy of our souls doesn’t attempt to use everything available to him to cause division between us? 

 

As an example, I’ll use an issue that is being hotly debated right now….whether or not to fly the Confederate Flag.  Everyone has an opinion about it, but is your opinion helpful?  If not, the discussion should end here because according to scripture, we will have to account for our idle words at the judgment.  But if you have determined that your opinion is helpful, who does it help?  How does your specific opinion about whether to fly the flag of the Confederate States of America affect eternity? 

 

I believe that the preservation and display of the Confederate flag is important for factual documentation of United States history.  For that reason, it should be maintained.  However, the flying of that same flag indicates proud support for its related ideals.  So, when I see or hear those who proudly and boldly show support for flying the flag of the Confederate States of America, which no longer exists, I have to wonder what they mean by it. I don’t assume they are racist, but I admit that I wonder whether they are.  I know that when I show support for an ideal, it’s because I believe it to be worthwhile and right. When I show support for a person or team, it’s because I want them to win.  If they don’t win, my continued support indicates that I wish they had.  Is that the case with those showing support for the Confederate flag?

 

What if the Confederacy had won the American Civil War?  What if we, in the Unites States of America, were currently living with the results of that victory?  As an American of African descent, I’ve got to be honest and tell you that is a scary thought for me.  There were several issues surrounding the cause of the War Between the States, but the main issue was economics.  Not all southerners believed in the enslavement of Blacks, but many did.  Because of the institution of slavery, many profited from ventures that would have been likely to fail otherwise. Slavery was the norm and it afforded a way of life that many had become accustomed to; so accustomed, in fact, that many were willing to fight to preserve it.  You see, the Constitution guaranteed equal rights for all men, but at that time Blacks were not considered men or even human. We were considered animals, therefore, exempt from protections under the law.  We were property to be treated or mistreated, based on the whim of anyone deemed White.  If that were still the case, my life would bear no resemblance to how I live today.  I wouldn’t have had opportunities to obtain an education, or participate in my 30+ year aerospace career.  I wouldn’t be a tax paying, voting citizen.  I wouldn’t be living in a comfortable home in Ventura County, legally married to my handsome White husband, Pastor Arland, whom I am assisting in the launch of a multi-cultural Word of Faith church planned for the fall of this year. 

 

I realize that some see the Confederate Flag as a symbol of their Southern heritage.  I beg to differ because Southern and Confederate are not the same thing.  Except for the humidity, I LOVE the South, but the Confederacy, not so much.  My thoughts of the South are filled with beautiful scenery, southern hospitality, and wonderful time with family (Arland and his sister, Sharon, grew up in South Carolina and have many relatives there).  My thoughts of the Confederacy are filled with the horror of being considered an animal, with mistreatment and oppression because of the color of my skin being acceptable to society at large, and having no right to liberty.  The purpose of the Confederacy was to maintain the institution of slavery.  Revisionists may claim otherwise, but a quick perusal of the Ordinances of Secession for the 13 Confederate States will settle that issue:  http://www.civil-war.net/pages/ordinances_secession.asp.  My understanding of that purpose causes me concern as I see and hear those adamant about their right to fly the Confederate flag.  Supporting the ideals of the Confederacy sounds dangerously close to a desire to legally remove any rights Black Americans have as a human beings. 

 

As Christians, it is vitally important that we fully understand those things we claim to support.  In doing so we avoid bringing reproach on ourselves and the name of our Lord and Savior.   So many times, we embrace opinions of our peers or social circle without fully considering the ramifications.  It is easy, it is safe and it guarantees that we will have support.  But we are to do as 1 John 4:1 says, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God.” 

 

So, with consideration of all said here, what do you think?  Do you feel that support for flying the flag of the Confederate States of America is helpful?  How do you think support or lack of support for the related ideals will affect your eternity?   I pray that the conclusion you reach is pleasing to God.